01-13 June: Bali, Indonesia

01-13 June Bali: Seminyak-Ubud-Tulamben

5:30 breakfast, then 6:00 taxi to BKK. Driver managed to get us there in 25 minutes, only 250 Baht. Somehow made a 48 K trip in 35 K. Thailand is taking the new (for them) international travel rules very seriously: Postings everywhere of no fluids larger than 100ml in a 1 liter baggy in checked bags. They search your carry on by hand. Then it gets screened in X-ray and hand searched again. Not to sound puckish, but here is a tidbit: A Muslim lady in full conservative traveling dress, lots of layers and shawl, has a rolling suitcase as her carry on. At the first hand check it is opened to reveal dozens of 1-liter baggies, each packed full of assorted liquid containers. The inspectors were a bit flabbergasted, for Thais anyway. The look of awe on their faces was extreme, and at least two supervisors were called over to take charge/responsibility. The lady was sure she had packed correctly, and was not happy she could not carry all of her liquids onto her plane. We cleared before her situation was handled, so I cannot report the outcome. I am confidant however, she did not get to carry all those baggies through.

Had I mentioned our baggage load is down to 42 kilo? We left almost 30 kilo of climbing gear, extra clothes, guidebooks, paper and media stored at the hotel in Bangkok. KK has no carry on, JD has the electronics pack. It’s a whole new world. We walk with a bounce in our step, and a tune in our hearts. Off key, but a tune nonetheless! We figured we only need a months worth of stuff.

We sat next to a younger-twenties surfer dude from California. He had just finished an 8 hour layover in BKK and was looking forward to catching the world-class waves of South Bali. His was the story in the last post (Minutia, trivia, etc) so I won’t repeat it here.

Historical and geopolitical tidbits:

Indonesia is the fourth most populous nation on earth with just under 300,000,000 people. China, India, and the USA round out the top three. Indonesia is over 90% devout Muslim. It consists of approximately 1,700 islands spread across three time-zones and both sides of the equator. 1,100 of them are inhabited full time. Due to deforestation and mining, they lost 24 islands last year. Just eroded into the sea…

Bali is a small island in the middle of the Indonesian archipelago, lying at 8 degrees south latitude. (Maybe half the size of New Jersey) It is a cultural and theological inverse of the rest of the entire country. Bali is 90% Hindu with a small Muslim minority. 3.2 million call it home. The architecture, customs, and ceremonies all revolve around the Hindu triumvirate: Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva. Animism plays a role in daily life as well. A seemingly unique smidgen of Buddhism is also found in the mix, with certain occasions requiring merit to be made. Archeological finds have uncovered Hindu and Buddhist temples from the 11th century sharing the same grounds. (More on those shortly). Three large active volcanoes are here, with the most recent eruption coming from Gunung Agung (Mother Mountain), the largest of the three. 2,000 people lost their lives, a few villages were covered with mud and debris in 1963.

Lombok (Indonesian Bahasa for “chili”) is the next island east of Bali, a 4-hour +/- ferry ride on a classic Indonesian ferry. Tourists primarily visit the west coast, and the tiny Gili island group off the northwest coast. The eastern half of the island is not really westerner friendly. 3 million call it home, and it is 2/3 the size of Bali.

There were two bombings on Bali in the tourist center of Kuta (’02 and ’05), and religious riots on Lombok in 2000. Both events have put a long-term crimp in tourist traffic on the two islands. The bombings were not planned or executed by local Muslims, but rather another Indonesian Muslim group from off-island. Since this is an Australian playground (3 hours form Perth, 2 hours from Darwin, less than 5 from Sydney) the ’02 event was Ozzie focused. In ’05 the intent was “to hurt America”, however, as the locals would agree strongly, it only hurt Bali. Badly. As an aside, the local Muslims were not angry, or even overly putout about the bombings. The Lombok riots in 2000 were angry Muslims burning and destroying Chinese-Christian businesses and homes.

Depending on the information source, tourism dollars are down 40%-80%. From what we have noticed, I would guess closer to the latter. In a place were tourism is almost half the economy, this is a devastating hit. The typical tourism worker makes 450,000-1,350,000 Rupia (US$50-US$150) a month. Another 20% of the economy is rice farming, with the farmers making less than 450,000 Rp (US$50) per month. The ruling body in Jakarta tends towards strict Muslim law. Not quite Shar’ia, but they are trying…

As Americans we have not been subject to any noticeable prejudice or anger, but we have also been sticking to the well-traveled tourist circuit while here. We Yanks are definitely the minority in tourist numbers. Ozzies, Germans, and Belgians make up the vast majority of travelers we have run into. As we have written before, our money spends just fine, and no one has refused to take it because we hail from the Great Satan. We do however endeavor to observe and respect local customs whenever we are aware of them, and are not intentionally looking to put ourselves in harms way.

Enough heaviness, here is the entertaining stuff. Bali and Lombok have supplied a shitload of stories, insights, and bloggable goodies.

Arrival: Bali

Lets start at the airport… Immigration control is very straightforward: pay your visa fee, get a variety of official stamps, postings and stickers in your passport, and shuffle off to collect your bags. The baggage carousel is located about 10 feet (3 meters) from customs. Grab a cart, toss your bags on, and… an official looking working fellow (in our case two), complete with photo ID badges comes along a grabs your cart and wheels it the ten feet to the customs counter. We naively figured they were there to keep things moving through customs, after all who could possibly be allowed inside the Machiavellian boundaries of international customs control but official customs employees? After a casual peek through the gadgets bag the actual customs official waves us through. The “porters” then push our cart another 5 feet to the moneychangers’ window. They say “you change money now”. JD says “Have money, going to ticket counter”. They say “You give us money!” JD says “For what?” They say, with completely straight faces, “Tip for carrying bags!” JD lets loose with a deep belly laugh, the kind that adds months to your life and helps with digestion, and exclaims, “You pushed a cart 10 feet? Tip? I don’t think so”, shakes his head and takes the cart. Then we exited the terminal into the real Tout-Storm.

This was only a mild precursor to the entertainment and local flavor Bali and Lombok are going to provide…

Traffic and roads here make Thailand seem sedate. Some two-way roads are literally alleyways between massive stone walls. The traffic is as dense as Bangkok, without the orderly structure… The impressive thing is the enforced helmet law for motorbikes. We had streets like this in Alexandria, Egypt. But that was a 5,000-year-old city. These roads have been built in the last half-century. Our mission for the first few nights is the town of Seminyak. (Feel free to laugh, it does sound physiological) It is theoretically more laid back than the all-party-all-the-time city of Kuta further south. We pay a bit more for our room than we had wanted to, but we didn’t feel like schlepping after the travel day. The Hotel Kumala was located a few blocks from the beach on the southernmost boundary of Seminyak. Common compound layout. 2 pools, gardens, carvings and statues.

The basic unit of construction in Bali is The Walled Compound. Temples, residences, and even hotels all tend to follow the specific dictates of a multi-structure compound. There will always be guardian demons at the entrance, twists to enter the property (Evil Spirits cannot turn corners you know…), and a number of specific shrines and structures within the compound. The building layouts are oriented to the axis of the nearest mountain or ocean. Feng Shui meets Brahma with a touch of animism for flavor. The artisanship and thought put into a property is incredible. Holy men are consulted for prosperous dates for purchase, groundbreaking, and construction schedules. The primary structure MUST be completely framed with basic wrap within one day or the property (and the resident family/guests) will never be harmonious. If strong fences make good neighbors, 8-foot high concrete walls make for the neighbors of the gods.

Touts, vendors, taxi drivers and street people all look at westerners as walking ATM’s. You couldn’t be here if you didn’t have money, therefore it is their driving purpose to insure you leave as much of it as physically possible behind with them. As bizarre as it sounds, your only moments of peace and solitude occur while in your hotel room itself, on the toilette. Walking, sitting in restaurants, lying on the beach, basically breathing outside the walls of you secure compound will have you swarmed by people trying to separate you from your money. This “get all you can, any way you can” attitude seems prevalent throughout the two islands. Sure there can be language issues (South Balinese speak a higher quality of English with a better vocabulary than most American high school graduates, and they can do it with and English, Ozzie, Kiwi, German, Spanish or Italian accent), but “no, nyet, nien, mai, mai aw, nope, bugger off, nada”, etc all seem to mean “please continue to shove your [insert sale item here] in my face and say “good price for you!” and of course I will buy it” There is also the prevailing attitude of you can’t get what you don’t ask for. There was an incident in which a newspaper vendor managed to catch us for US$5.00 for the 50-cent local paper. When you are not ready for that level of sheer ballsyness the math can be slow to catch up and the post-consumer (consumed?) feeling of pissed-offedness can last for days. There are a lot of zeros to deal with in a 9,000 Rupia to the dollar conversion. These same vendors will also try to sell the local “free” advertising and information paper.

Seminyak was supposed to be a bit more sedate than the tourist dense town of Kuta. You couldn’t really walk anywhere with waving off dozens of honking taxis. They honk to let you know they are available. Any slight twitch of any body part gets their attention. They are just soooo excited to be your [chariot, pumpkin carriage, Ferrari, limo, etc] for the evening. Each taxi assumes that your rejection of the taxi right in front of him is the sure and deity provided signal you are waiting for his most clean smelling and shiny of taxis. It sometimes seems like a Chinese water torture of car horns. If a driver happens to not be near his horn, lets say while you are in a restaurant eating and he is sitting on a curb, he’ll yell “transport!?!” while miming a steering motion. While dodging cabs and cabbies, you also need to fend off a plethora of street vendors, while simultaneously trying to not fall through the sidewalk. There is a couple riding a tandem bike across Asia. They regularly get the “Transport!?” call while riding. We were actually in a taxi getting dropped off to a chorus of “Transport!”. Vendors have no qualms about looking deep into a restaurant or café and holding up whatever kitsch they are trying to sell and yelling “Good Price!” If you acknowledge them in any way, even to say “no”, they will begin a one-way haggling session. If you ignore them, they stand and stare. And stare. And stare. Think Eddie the dog on Frazer.

Nasi Goreng ,Indonesian Fried rice, is a main local staple, while almost all restaurants focus on Ozzy and British foods. (Pies, pasties, chips, wedges, pizza, and an egg on everything.) It wasn’t all bad: There was a great two-piece band playing a variety of covers at JP’s Warung which allowed for a decent date night get-away. Back in the room we had a TV with a few channels. Our favorite was the “home movie” channel. It would be blank, sometimes snowy, all day. Around 8ish a pirated DVD would begin. We got to watch Next (Nick Cage) and The Shooter (Marky Mark) in full hand-held digicam technology. Half the fun is reading the “English” subtitles to the English dialog. Rarely do the two have anything to do with each other.

We left Seminyak after two days, pretty much as planned. We journeyed to Ubud, the arts and cultural center of Bali. We started at the homestay of a local artist/activist, Nyoman Suradaya. A quite family compound with open studio spaces and a few guest rooms. KK took a batik course from Nyoman, and now has another art media to play with. Nyoman has a variety of birds and beasts in his compound. Birdsong is solid throughout daylight hours.

Ubud is much more laid back than south Bali. Still lots of touts and drivers, but less honking, more “Transport?!” You are still pestered by vendors everywhere but inside your room, though they are just a smidge less aggressive than down south. Here they leave you alone after the fourth or fifth “no”. Ubud is set in a beautiful lush jungle, with stylized architecture, real artisans and some amazing food places.

The Nomad restaurant is be found. We ate a meal there most days. Ubud is also home to the Sacred Monkey Forest. These cheeky monkeys know, with absolute certainty, who is in charge. Enter with any kind of foodstuffs at your own peril. An Ozzie bloke with a bunch of were the great tapas are to bananas was the target of a group mugging, two bandits to distract him, while a third went for the bunch. Fun to watch, largely because not a single one tossed any monkey-bombs at us!

We met Ammer, a pre-acupuncture student from Portland, at the Dragonfly café (free WiFi and a good mocha). She was taking an online Biology course. We contributed by dragging her away from studies to have some fun. A smooth talking driver convinced us it was better to be dropped off at a halfway point for a local hiking route. “6-8 hours for whole trail”. He was full of shit. The walk back took less than an hour and a half. KK enjoyed a silversmithing class at a local silver shop. The same driver assured her, and Ammer, that the factory that makes all the silverwork for the shop was a short drive and the pieces would be 70% less. For only 40,000 Rp he would drive them over. It wasn’t the silver factory, but rather a village that consisted of silver shops. (The children in Bali traditionally continue in the family business, be it farming, silverwork, carving, stonemasonry, etc. Families also tend to stay in one place over generations. This way you end up with “specialty” villages. Pretty neat actually.) It was the truly classic case of “I’ll take you to my cousins shop, he’ll make you good price” When they didn’t buy anything, because this was not who was supplying the shop with the merchandise KK liked, he demanded more money for transport because no commission was coming his way…

Gusti Gusti then became our driver of choice. A nice guy with excellent English, he is representative of the hard-working honest Balinese who is just trying to get by post-bombing. He approaches his business with pride and looks to give value for money. His style is the more pleasant, and smaller end of the two extremes that seem to permeate both Bali and Lombok business approaches (and from discussions with other travelers, the rest of Indonesia). The other extreme is what provides us with our more entertaining, yet frustrating, experiences. There seems to be no middle ground.

Gusti Gusti used to be self-employed. Owned his own car, was saving up for his children’s schooling, when the second bomb went off. He had to sell his car, and go to work for someone else. Both he and his wife work six to seven days a week, with important ceremony days off. We are his only “job” this week, for which he repeatedly expresses his gratitude. Even after we ask him not to take us to his Aunt, Uncle, brother, Father, Great Uncle’s twice removed shops.

We visited Goa Gaja (Elephant Caves), and in Tampaksaring: Gunung Kawi (Giant carved rock shrines), and Tirta Empul (Holy Springs), as well as some local rice terraces. Holy sites require sarongs and sashes on both men and women. JD picked up a tasteful batik number with a barung imprint (one of the good spirits…). Gusti showed him how to tie it in a higher caste fashion.

Goa Gaja is an 11th century temple complex that was rediscovered in 1923 after a particularly strong earthquake. It had two distinct components, one Hindu and the other Buddhist. There is no written or remembered history of the compound. The Hindu portion has a meditation cave with associated statuary (Ganesh and The Triumvirate- Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva) and the holy waters still flow into the bathing pools. The Buddhist portion had been damaged significantly by any number of quakes over the centuries, with the classic stone Buddha heads separating form the cliffside and shattering on the floor of the complex. A “guide” picked us up as we had entered the complex, and we kept him because his English was very good. Similar to airport “porters” in many ways, they are not employees of the temples, and expect remuneration on a sliding scale at the end of a tour. In this instance we were glad to pay, as the guide was friendly, informative and so easy to understand.

As a side note: KK thinks it is likely that the locals think she is deaf, since JD re-states almost everything they say to her. Accents have always been a challenge for her to interpret, even in the States. Though if you have ever heard her sing you’d easily recognize her not inconsequential tonal challenges.

Gunung Kawi is another holy site with nine massive seven-meter tall stone candi (shrines) carved directly into the cliff face. They are thought to be tributes to an 11th century royal family, but no one is really certain. It is good exercise getting to and from the site, an uncountable number of well worn steps brings you in and out. No guide to fight off here, we timed it well…

The Holy Springs at Tirta Empul are still very much used in daily ceremonies. We had the good fortune to be there on a day of a multitude of youth groups performing offering dances and rituals. It was amazing to watch. The ceremonial garb and dances are not for the tourists. They are indeed an actual part of daily offering events here. Tirta Empul has a labyrinthine exit plan. You must travel through a twisting maze of vendors, stalls and touts to get to the parking lot. Duck your head, focus on the ground three feet ahead and repeat “nonononoonononononononononononono” for a few hundred steps. We affectionately call this “running the gauntlet”. This is a perfect time to bring up the following:

Bali is BIG on ceremonies and customary rituals: Births, weddings, babies first steps, teeth filing, cremation, village, temple, and extended family events- all require large village-wide ceremonial actions. This is not to be confused with the daily family offerings for the spirits of earth, water, fire and air. An average home will have the women of the household creating 60 or more individual pandan-leaf offering trays with bits of food, flowers, incense and sometimes money. These are distributed throughout the family compound in the family shrines, on the guardian statuary, on the ground, on the vehicles, in front of the business and anywhere else of importance. On ceremony days, large offerings, weighing up to 30 kilos (66 Lbs) are created and carried (on her head) to the village temple. Men also have “man-jobs”, building the large payang, slaughtering the livestock and making special ceremony dishes: Satay (meat on a stick), Lawar (meat-vege-coconut salad), and Buncis Pelecing (Beans in coconut milk). Children begin to help around the age of 6 or 7, girls with the women, boys with the men. Traditions and stories are passed on orally and genuine gender bonding is the result.

Both KK and JD learned how to make all of these dishes, as well as few others in a cooking class they took together. Yes, KK took a cooking class. Her idea… Kitchen finger be damned! She doesn’t feel the pressing need to take any more, one was certainly enough.

Literally everywhere you walk you end up dodging the little artistic biodegradable offerings trays. It is a bit of a feast for the feral dog and cat populations, as well as the pigeons. It’s all OK though, the spirits absorb the essence of the offering as soon as it is placed, so the “mortal husk” is the leftover bonus for the critters.

The Ubud Pasar (market) is geared to the tourist buses from the south. Locals shop really early (When KK is out for her morning walks). It is a lively place, with most vendors more than happy to start with a thousand percent mark-up and blow you off if you don’t want to pay it. Mangosteens, a delicious lychee type fruit, sells for about US$ 0.60 per kilo in Thailand. The first stand we came to here started at US$6 per kilo and came down to $4.50. The next one a few meters away started at US$10, and wouldn’t be bothered to drop to $7. We worked our way to a third stand with a smiling plump proprietress who was happy to sell for US$2. We also purchased just under a kilo of vanilla bean pods for about US$16. (about 400 bean pods total, in the states about $4-$6 each) The vanilla beans make KK’s pack smell gooood. Two beans found a home in a bottle of Stoli vodka. It too was gooood.

Rice is a primary staple in Indonesia (as it is in the rest of Asia). Bali has the soil and climate to grow a lot of rice. Rice terracing makes for the most efficient use of land and water. It is a system that has worked the same way for centuries. It works well. The landscape is layered and criss-crossed with fields in different stages of growth. Even in towns and cities there are rice paddies set up in vacant lots. Planting schedules are arranged by consultation with village holy men, as are wedding days, car/motorbike buying days, naming days, and any other day of even minor importance. Two crops per year. The down side to eating the locally grown rice is little tiny rocks (yes, the ones that can float like a duck, for the Monty Python aware). Paper covers rock, rock breaks teeth… While we both plan on having some dental work in Chiang Mai, it would really suck to not eat solid food until then.

We decided to head north to Amed for some diving. Gusti Gusti was our man. Ammer thought she too would like to kick back and hang on the beach. Along the way we stopped to see the Water Palace, built by a 12th century Majarhit. Upper and lower pools, gardens and fountians. Amed turned out to be less of a village and more like seven notches along the coast, each with a couple of hotels. Ever dynamic, we decided to head straight to the diving attraction town of Tulamben. It wasn’t Ammer’s cup of anything, so she cruised back to Ubud with Gusti Gusti.

Way back in the mists of time the Balinese had come to an agreement with Gunung Agung (Mother Mountain). If every 100 years there would be a large and elaborate ceremony solely for her, she wouldn’t blow-up and destroy the island. This arrangement had been working really well for quite a few centuries. Sure she would burp and fart every now and then, but doesn’t anyone with a belly full of hot lava do the same? High Priests and Holy Men would commune with the spirits and be given the optimum dates for the ceremonies. 1963 was a ceremony year. At that time a “new” government was in charge of Indonesia (some coup or another…). The Holy Men had tentatively set the dates for March. The new government set up an international conference to coincide with the ceremonies, so the delegates could witness the cultural richness under their new rule. As the time neared, the Holy Men had a clearer message of the optimum dates, and they were not in March. The government refused to let the dates be changed for fear of losing face with the international community. Less than 6 weeks after the forced ceremonies Gunung Agung blew. Over 2,000 people died, numerous villages were wiped off the map, and an entire season worth of crops were lost. There was a silver lining however…

During WWII a Japanese submarine off Lombok torpedoed a US cargo transport, The USAT Liberty. It was towed to northeast Bali and beached with the intent of unloading its cargo. The Japanese invaded and claimed Bali before that could occur. For 20 years it sat in the shallows of a rocky deserted beach. The eruption of Gunung Agung literally pushed the wreck of the Liberty back into the sea. Into 20-30 meters of water to be exact. It is a wreck that even snorkeler’s can see, with the stern deck just deeper than 5 meters at low tide.

Almost overnight Tulamben became a diving town. Every single business in the community is involved in diving. Every hotel has an onsite dive company. The wreck and a wall dive are both shore dives. You walk down the beach, put on your gear, walk into the water and Poof! You’re diving. (We shore dive Maui, it really is good to just step in and see what you want to see…). We were the only guests at the Matahari Hotel. (It really is slow season…) Porters to carry the gear along the “beach” (no sand, just wave washed rock), and our own dive master/guide for four dives. The wreck was ok. The wall was amazing! The coral is thriving, the fishes abundant and diverse. An absolute riot of color. There is absolutely nothing else in this little village, but that was fine. The diving was incredible.

We had Gusti Gusti come and fetch us for the trip to Padang Bai to catch the Lombok ferry, about 40 kilometers away. On the trip he was whistle/waved over by a police officer. He pulls over, gets out, and runs back about 50 meters. The cop just wanted his tourist transport bribe… It is a normal part of business for drivers to be pulled over and charged a “tourist tax” of 5,000 Rp per passenger. This goes to the officer’s personal crime fighting budget… Another police tidbit: if your are the victim of a crime an officer will expect to be paid before he renders any assistance. You can only hope you outbid the perpetrator(s). We are not making this up.

The adventure at the ferry dock will be a good start to our Lombok chronicle…

Helpful Hints for the World Traveler

Hello everyone. We are currently in Indonesia. Internet connection speed and reliabilty is even worse than New Zealand. I wanted to post something, so we came up with this handy hints page. No photos, as we'd rather not spend 12 hours in the internet cafe waiting for them to upload. We do have some spectacular images from Bali, and some highly entertaining incidents that will be posted when we return to Thailand.

Minutia, trivial observations, and travel hints:

Traveling abroad requires a certain repositioning of ones mindset. There are a myriad of ways to have the time of your life. There are an equal number of ways to create an experience that will leave you cowering in your own basement, the quintessential xenophobe. Be aware that you, and only you, are responsible for choosing how your experiences enrich and expand your life. “Good” and “bad” are not appropriate descriptors for the vast majority of these experiences. Pleasant and Unpleasant would be a better way of labeling the emotions associated with any given event, if you must label them at all. Any emotional response is subjective, meaning it is your opinion, as to its effect, positive or negative on your life. Again, it is your choice in how you respond/react/process these events

That being said, it is my opinion all experiences enrich your life. I bring this up to help understand the following stories and adventures:

In Bangkok a motorcycle taxi was tagged by a car, flipping the bike and driver into the grassy median. The driver lost his helmet and a shoe at impact. His bike was mangled, however he stood right up and seemed mostly OK. He signaled the driver to wait, which he did. After collecting his helmet he got into the car, presumably to be taken for a check-up. His bike remained lying in the median. No anger, no yelling, no gesturing. Shit happened, and then it was handled. Just an experience.

A guest at a Thai spa resort was missing a belonging from their room. They calmly, though repeatedly, discussed it with the cleaning staff. Finally, after realizing the staff had little English and was saying “yes” to please and save face, they went to the management. Eventually the issue was handled to their satisfaction. An experience that could have been stressful and negative yet wasn’t.

A girly-bar called an ex-pat owner of a different bar to help with a farang situation. The ex-pat found a middle-aged Englishman who was pissed-off about a bar tab and was refusing to pay. He had been putting his and a bar-girls drinks on a tab, not knowing what the cost of either was… The bar expected him to settle, as well as pay the bar-fine for his new lady friend. Once the story was understood, the ex-pat had little sympathy for his inebriated countryman. After much belligerent sputtering the Englishman finally was made to understand he needed to pay the bill or go to jail. Probably a negative experience for the bloke, but just an experience for everyone else involved.

A stunningly handsome American couple (that would be us…) keeps winding up at the wrong destination, initially at least, when taking taxis in Bangkok. They think they have the Thai pronunciation correct, and will think they understand the driver when he confirms (Almost all Bangkok cabbies have absolutely no English). Luckily they’ve been able to tell when they end up at the wrong place… Map scrambles and phrase searching ensue resulting in eventual understanding. Many smiles and apologies go both ways, and new experiences are added to the blog.

In Bali, Indonesia, a nice restaurant has a happy hour. A staff person makes an error and puts out older “happy hour special” info cards at the tables, which include food specials that no longer exist. Both the stunning American couple and the similarly aged Ozzies at the next table take advantage of the printed Tapas special: 3 for 15,000 Rupia (US$1.75, probably AU$2.05). The food is to die for, the presentation and quality astounding. The bill arrives and the Tapas are actually 3 for 18,000 Rupia (US$1.98, AU$2.35). The server is apologetic and explains the old card situation. The Ozzies are losing their friggin’ minds: Growling, yelling, stomping, and generally making a scene. They literally throw the bill and some money at the manager, minus the 3,000 Rupia (US$0.33, AU$0.40) they feel was being “stolen” from them, and storm away from the restaurant. Now I dislike nickel and diming as much as the next guy, but this really did seem to be an honest error on the part of the eatery. The erroneous cards were not out when we, oops, I mean the handsome American couple, went back the next night…

A stunningly beautiful American redhead is dining a beachfront Bali establishment. Aggressive vendors ply their wares along the strip. These include newspaper vendors. She buys a local paper. The vendor names his price and she pays. Afterwards the math catches up with her. US$5 for the $0.50 local paper. She is not happy (Pissed off beyond recognition would be the best descriptor), however she learns that in this particular country all transactions need to be scrutinized, and even buying a newspaper requires negotiation. She now has a “cheat sheet” table with monetary conversions spelled out. Just another experience.

An early twenties California surfer-dude on his first real trip out of the states is on the last leg of a 28-hour trip: SFO (San Fran) to Nagasaki to Hong Kong to Bangkok to Bali. He was coming off an 8-hour layover in BKK. Nice kid. Very pumped about catching the legendary breaks off of south Bali. All of his earthly possessions are packed with his board. We help him with exchange rate info and how to not get red flagged through immigration and customs: Don’t even joke about drugs, explosives, religion, or smuggling, especially as a younger, profile fitting westerner. (Everyone but the US publicly profiles… Other countries don’t care if you are offended, they are protecting themselves, their economy and their citizens.) His board bag was not appearing and he was getting nervous. We asked to see his bag receipt. It was tagged through BKK…
Fortunately he had a local ex-pat mate meeting him. We figured the mate would be able to interpret at the baggage office to get his bag transferred down. Our bags had been bag-napped by the aggressive “porters” so we had to bolt. (More on that in the Bali Blog) He was bummed, but still pumped about his adventure yet to come.

ONLY you get to choose how your experiences will affect you. It is OK to get peeved occasionally, just don’t own it.

The Stunning American Couple offer Handy Helpful Hints for the World Traveler:

Cell Phones:
Local (country) SIM cards are cheap and plentiful all over the world. Shopping around can net you a pre-paid plan with 7 cent/minute international rates with no roaming charges. Two very important things: your phone needs to be tri-band (3G) to work anywhere in Asia, and it needs to be “unlocked” for SIM cards from carriers other than your home one. This is a code you get from your carrier, and shouldn’t have any fees. If you don’t want to switch out SIM cards, you need to confirm your home provider has reciprocation with carriers in other countries. We have been quite happy with no phone.

Language:
English is understood and spoken many places. Just remember everyone everywhere does not speak it. If they do, it is often with a limited vocabulary related to their job position. Spend the money on a Lonely Planet, Rough Guide, or similar. Tear out the “survival phrases and words” pages and carry them with you. In all countries that are not France, any attempt to communicate in the local tongue will score you major brownie points. No matter how you might butcher the words, you will be met with smiles. If you ask, pronunciation and vocabulary assistance will be graciously and willingly provided. At the same time, a perceived proficiency can result in a lightning speed spiel of words that leaves you with the open-mouthed Deer-in-the Headlight look… On the flip side, subtleties in pronunciation can lead to very different meanings. In Bahasa (Indonesian), lenge is pronounced, “lehng-hay” with a very soft “g”. It is a sesame seed. Lene, “lehn-hay”, no “g” means stupid.

Paranoia will always restrict your experiences, however due vigilance is still important. A bit of knowledge concerning local customs (buy a guidebook…) will help separate the friendly from the predatory. For instance, in Thailand no stranger will just walk up to you on the street and initiate a conversation unless they are trying to separate you from some cash. Vendors and service people can be incredibly gregarious when you are a “customer”, and most touts are just blatant about what they are representing. In polite Thai society it is extremely rude to just casually approach a stranger and initiate conversation. Soooo, if someone notices you walking along and offers to help you find a good deal on [insert product here] or “needs help” with [insert potential money-making scheme here], or [attraction xyz] is closed today, but he/she will take you to the next-best-thing, just say “no”. If they actually touch you, even casually, you can be assured they are not legit. Or just could be selling Amway.

In Bali and especially Lombok, if someone is speaking, or even just breathing, it is safe to assume they are trying to rip you off.

Conversely in Egypt, India and Indonesia strangers will regularly stop you and ask where you are from, where you are staying, if you are married, how old you are, how do you like their country, etc. Small talk and casual touching is considered basic politeness. It does make it tougher to surmise who has non-gracious intentions, though certainly not impossible. When unsure, politely separate yourself from the conversation (see the guidebook…). If that doesn’t work, there’s your answer.

An awareness of local holidays can reduce lodging and transport stress. We have had a few instances of being caught unawares. Two years ago in Thailand we did not know how big Loy Kratong was. We thought it was a small local festival up north… It turns out to be a nationwide celebration, easily equal to Christmas and New Years in scope. It added an extra level of interest to that portion of the trip, flights and hotels booked out to everywhere interesting. New Zealand got us twice, once on the north island, once on the south (A twelve hour driving day with that one). Guidebooks don’t always have all those holidays listed, or their national implications explained. A little online action will fill the gaps quickly.

Gadgets:
Almost anything that powers through a transformer (the little cube with the prongs on it for the cell phone, the rectangular box for the laptop wire, the little holder for the rechargeable battery) made in the last 5 years can handle 100-240 volts. Laptops, cell phone chargers, battery chargers, etc. Each and every one will have a UL stamp/sticker and an “input” voltage rating. If it DOES NOT range to 240 volts, it will burn in Oz, NZ, anywhere in Asia, and most, if not all, of Europe. (Fudd, please correct me if I am wrong). Plug adapters will be needed for US toys pretty much everywhere except Thailand.

NZ has expensive inferior internet (NZ$10 plus per hour average). Oz is a bit better. Thailand rocks- High speed pipelines at reasonable rates, US$1-2 per hour, or oftentimes free at the right place… Egypt has a mixed bag, dial-up through DSL, less than US$5 per hour. Indonesia has a similar mixed bag, tending towards the slow side. Asian and Middle Eastern countries do restrict and censor web access through central servers, so you might not be able to access all the sites you want. If you are handling financial issues it is best to have your own computer, and good firewalls and security.

Watch out for gray market electronics: Same manufacturers, but without the US warranties and protections. You will usually pay less, but will have no customer service rights if something doesn’t work.

Buying Stuff:
By the mere fact we could afford the plane ticket to any Asian country, we are rich by local standards. Bill Gates rich. That doesn’t mean you want to, or should be willing to, pay a huge markup over the reasonable price, but don’t get too bent out of shape if you see a local paying less for a food or service than you did.

Numbers are the same the world over, and most vendors and shopkeepers will punch numbers into a calculator to show you so there is no confusion. Haggling is up to you. All “non-western” countries expect at least a feeble attempt at bargaining. Nowhere in Asia has a return policy. Once you buy it, you own it. If it self-destructs in five seconds, oh well. If it dissolves in the washing machine, oh well. If it is not a real $2,000 diamond for $75, but is actually chipped glass… you get the picture.

Be aware of what can and cannot get through customs. Objects of religious significance could land you in hot water leaving most Asian countries, while objects made from assorted rare and endangered animal parts will get you in heaps of trouble coming into the States. “Unlicensed” software and entertainment media will also get you some extra time with the officials at the airport. Dried spices are usually OK checked, anything “live”, fruits, cuttings, etc can’t go anywhere, especially Oz and NZ. In NZ you can face a steep fine for mud on your shoes. Just a few months ago a star rugby player had his cleats confiscated because Ozzie mud was still on them and had to pay a fine. Imagine A-Rod having his cleats taken away at JFK because there was Canadian dirt on them… When in doubt, ask at the airport. If you ask, the worst that can happen is you can’t keep something. If you don’t declare, and it is restricted, you face fines and possible jail time. Sometimes there can be too much adventure!

With street vendors and small merchants: Generally come back with half the asking price in Thailand, settle at 70%. In India and Indonesia come back with 30% or less, unless you know it’s a decent deal to start with. Try to settle near 40% of the original. Don’t feel bad; no one will sell a product at a loss… Never be afraid to walk away. Another vendor will have the exact same thing down the street, or in the next village. If you can’t find a willing seller anywhere, then is the time to consider increasing your offer. It helps to have an idea what a product or commodity typically sells for to the locals, or back home. Keep exchange rates in mind. If you are separated by 20 cents on a ten-dollar item, pry your ass open and get the two dimes out. Important to remember: That really cool indigenous pattern tapestry/carving/vase/mask/etc that looks awesome on the palm-wood thatched wall of the artisans shop will be living in your home. Will it look as cool there?

Everywhere: Buyer Beware.

In India and Indonesia, and somewhat in Egypt, be prepared to confirm and haggle the price of everything. Even a grocery store will charge whatever it wants, despite a price sticker on an item. We purchased a deodorant, clearly marked 5,200 Rp. The clerk rung up 8,200 Rp. We caught the error immediately and pointed it out to the clerk. She said: “old price, not right”… We did need deodorant, and the difference was all of 33 cents. The point being you can’t assume even the fixed-price stores are. Oh, and she tried to give me change in hard candy…

Another thing to remember is weight restrictions for checked bags vary between carriers and countries. You might be able to have a 32-kilo per bag limit one way, but only a 20-kilo per bag on the return. You might have a two bag, 20 kilo each, or a two bag 20 kilo total limit on the same carrier depending upon you ticket type…

Nationality:
Despite what the media says, Americans are not despised and reviled throughout the entire world. This doesn’t mean everyone loves us either- common sense and the State Department website can help you figure out who those people are. Our money spends just like the rest, sometimes better. The Pound and the Euro get more bang per unit, but we don’t slouch, at least in Asia. We won’t be hitting Canada anytime soon… Not a single person of any religious or political persuasion has threatened or bothered us. Just like in the states themselves there are a lot of people who can’t find America on the map… Oh, and the easiest way to tweak a Canadian is to tell him/her you are an American. He (rightfully) will protest he is one too, then again so are Mexicans. (Technically anyone form North, Central or South America are Americans… Yo Habla?)

Anyway, people are people most everywhere. Aside from the obvious hotspots and war zones it is fine to be a westerner abroad.

Local Customs:
Head touching is a no-no in Thailand and Indonesia. Likewise putting feet up, pointing feet at things or people, and wearing shoes inside homes, hotel rooms, and nicer small establishments is rude. If there is a pile of shoes outside, add yours. If you look inside and no one has shoes on, leave yours outside. Don’t close or hold doors with your feet.

DO NOT INSULT THE KING OR QUEEN in Thailand. The Thai people adore and revere the royal family. Say what you will about the government or PM, just don’t denigrate the Royals. Recently a Swiss tourist faced 72 years in Thai prison for defacing 6 portraits of His Royal Majesty in Chiang Mai. He had been drinking. Six locals beat the living shit out of him and then called the police. You can be sure the police were not really nice to this guy either… He was sentenced to 7 years. After a month or two the King himself commuted the sentence. The tourist was deported for life.

An Israeli tourist was killed on Koh Pha Ngan at a full moon party a few months ago. After the sensationalist headlines (“Head constable’s son murders tourist!”) the real story came out. Turns out the tourist was totally trashed, had been aggressively pawing unwilling Thai ladies all night, insulting and fighting with the locals, insulting Thailand, and being a real asshole. The final straw dropped when he began loudly berating the King, Queen and Princess. He may have even thrown things at the royal portrait. (ALL businesses in Thailand have at least one royal portrait visible. Check your local Thai restaurant at home, I bet it has one too.) The head constable’s son, already not famous for his cool head, had had enough. He physically took out the tourist. The constable’s son was also was a Muay Thai competitor. Muay Thai is Thai Boxing, one of the most physically punishing of the martial arts.

One more time, together: DO NOT INSULT THE KING OR QUEEN!

Topless sunbathing is rude. Small talk is polite (see language). Be aware it is more polite in Asian society to just say “yes” and agree than to contradict or correct. Phrase questions carefully and specifically. You can easily end up with answers that are more about what it is thought you wanted to hear, rather than actually handling your needs.

Always confirm fare total before getting into transport. Also confirm it covers everyone, and your bags. Smile knowingly when you do this. In Bangkok always say “meter” in a taxi, and watch it turn on. It will start at 35. Meters don’t negotiate, all others do (and you should at least try). Most guidebooks give a general cost idea for different transport options. In Non-meter transport be sure to let the driver know you do not need to see the paintings/sculptures/art/jewels/secret places or anywhere else he gets a commission for kidnapping and bringing you to.

Tipping is becoming “expected” in more touristy areas, mostly the fault of Americans. In most Thai restaurants outside Bangkok itself it is ok to just leave small change on a large bill. It is good form to show that a few Baht don’t matter after a few hundred Baht meal. It is actually insulting to leave a sizeable tip on a cheaper meal. You are telling the server that he/she needs your charity.

Indonesia, so far, adds a 10% tax and 5% service charge to all food bills, then try to short your change for the closest big round number…

You must request the bill (not check, that is something you write…) pretty much everywhere outside the US. In Thailand a server quietly waited for us to realize it was a half-hour past closing and ask for the bill…

Oz and NZ hate being confused with one another… Also tipping is not a local custom in either country. All taxes are included in the posted price of anything. If someone in the bar “shouts” a round, and you participate, you are expected to “shout” a round in return. Kiwi’s think their coffee is the shit, and charge dearly for it. We have a differing opinion.

Asia is the home of the squat toilette. A “flush” to the floor porcelain bowl. The big water bucket will have a smaller bucket inside. It is for flushing, and wiping in the case of no paper. Use your left hand for “cleaning”… Concurrently, you should never pass or receive money, food, or anything with your left hand. Very insulting.

Minor Inconveniences:

Peroxide based contact solution cannot be found anywhere outside the US, except maybe Canada. Plain deodorant is also a tough find. Everything seems to be anti-perspirant.

Aggressive touts that turn you into a walking bobble-head doll “no, no, no thanks, no, nono” and the local dialect of “no” become a cadence. “Left, left, left, right, left: No, NO, No Thanks, NO”

Highly suspicious organic substances on sidewalks and in the streets. Animal? Human? Alien? On a tropical hot and humid afternoon the natural process of decay can become a physical entity, able to walk up behind you, tap you on the shoulder, and shoot up your nose. No, you don’t ever really get used to it…

It has been mentioned before, but here it is again: If you don’t like the way Asians drive, stay off the sidewalk and out of the hotel lobby.

Bug smear on the laptop screen, ants in the DVD/CD tray. Toshiba builds a good product.

Moments of Joy:

Little old people just wanting to help. A little ancient Thai lady shuffling after KK down the street shouting in a loud high pitched whisper “hellohellohellohello” because KK had walked past the place she was trying to find.

Mom & Pop type operations that will store your luggage do your laundry and be generally excited you chose them. They exist all over. We have found them in every country we have visited so far.

Locals taking the time to help with vocabulary and pronunciation. Even for our Kiwi English, Ozzie English, and Hawaiian.

Finding the killer restaurant or food stall, and having the employees recognize us after the second visit.

Having the pidgin mash of local dialect and pantomime result in actual understanding, complete with laughing and smiles.

Finding the “I can’t believe I found [insert desired product here] for only [5% of what it would cost anywhere else]” deal.

Greasing the wheels:

Know the visa situation(s). Most countries have Visa on Arrival (VOA), Americans usually get 30 days. Oz requires visa in advance, as do Vietnam, India, and China. It can often be handled online, but will sometimes require a trip to an embassy. Be leery of any company that will promise visa’s cheaper than the posted rates.

Dress respectably, and be polite at immigration control. No matter how bad you think your trip may have been to that point, annoying the immigration officer is guaranteed to change that for the worse.

Shooting from the hip is a blast. We tend to do that after our first night in a new location. Knowing where your first nights lodging is makes transport less of a process, and gives you a chance to get the lay of the land. You can always move later. Additionally, if there are unexpected delays with transport, you won’t be trying to find a place to stay after hours.

Hotel/hostel business cards and downloaded addresses/directions can save years of miscommunication when trying to get to your lodgings. It won’t be 100%, but it will make a ton of difference. At minimum have a phone number, and then the driver can call and get directions in the local dialect.

Always keep in mind that it’s all-good. Sitting on a porch watching the geckos fight over who gets the best part of the ceiling, that bit closest to the light, is not a bad way to spend a few evenings.

05-30 May, Koh Samui Thailand

05-30 May 2007: Koh Samui

The nicest weather yet greets us for our departure from Phi Phi. Doing our best pack beast imitations we trudge the ½ mile to the ferry doc. The original plan involved breakfast near the dock, however that was modified when the restaurant was not yet open. A pineapple and two rotis became the brekkie of champions.

Fresh pineapple is available all the time everywhere from fruit stalls and vendors. They cut it into strips; poke it with a skewer, and viola! Pineapple on a stick. Usually around 40 Baht for a whole pineapple. Rotis [row-tees] are another yummy- also called Thai Pancake, it’s a crepe-like delicacy filled with just about anything, topped with sweetened condensed milk (referred to simply as “milk”) and/or chocolate syrup. JD prefers banana topped with chocolate (surprised?) while KK will branch off and try other things- she has currently had mango, banana, and pineapple in assorted combinations. Neither of us has tried egg or nutella. We have learned to request “No Butter”. To give a nice brown crispness, the vendors plop a spoonful of deep yellow stuff onto the griddle after the roti has “set”. They call it butter. Anything that is still solid and showing no signs of separation in 103-degree heat is not from any mammal we are familiar with, so we opt out. If it’s solid on the outside, probably will be solid on the inside.

In true Thai Buddhist fashion, the time the ferry leaves is obviously the time it was supposed to leave, therefore the ferry has left on time. The secret to travel here is to not only accept that mindset, but to actually embrace it. So far, much easier for JD than KK…

We had been told, by three different sources, the Surat Thani bus leaves Krabi at 11:00. Surat Thani is the mainland ferry dock town. The Phi Phi ferry should arrive in Krabi by 10:30. When the travel vouchers are purchased they just have Boat-Bus-Boat written in English, everything thing else is in Thai, including times. Our little stickers are green this trip, with Koh Samui written on them. It really is the local version of “If found, make sure this poor farang is pointed in the correct direction”, and as such is very effective. In perfect lemming fashion, you keep an eye on the other green stickers to see who seems to know where to go.

The Krabi ferry dock is still an impressive modern structure, built before the wave, and none the worse for wear afterwards. The transport company has an office just inside the terminal. A large blow-up photo of our ticket stub is on the wall with an arrow pointing inside. Simple, yet effective. You turn in your onward vouchers, and receive two new vouchers. About a dozen of us, including a poor bloke with a busted ankle, scurry to the bus loading area, as we are all under the impression the bus is leaving really soon. JD had unceremoniously dragged KK out of the toilette to catch the phantom bus… When the other green stickers run, you run after, then ask questions…

It turns out the bus doesn’t leave until 12:30. “Time you eat” are buzz words of the ticket desk lady. The transport company has a reasonably priced and decent quality food stand, which we utilize to stop the long-morning-no-real-food bad attitude death spiral.

Thai busses: There are four distinct types of bus in Thailand. The basic diesel “school” bus: no a/c, bad seats, typically a municipal bus. The next level bus will have ok seats, and possibly a functioning a/c. Oftentimes the bargain fare bus for short runs between towns and districts. Then there is the first-class bus: a/c and video sound system, comfy, but not spacious seating. The be-all end-all of busses is the Executive Class: 24 seats, toilette, NBA player legroom, full surround Dolby 5.1 and plasma screens, quality curtains over the windows. We have only ever seen Japanese tourists getting on and off Executive Class busses.

This brings us to our Thai “bus” adventure during the last trip: Using a booking agent we set up a “bus” for the 3 hour overland trip from Ao Nang to Phuket. Having been aware of the different types of bus, we specifically asked (in English of course…) if it was first class or executive, and were assured it was indeed a first class bus. Here is the exact transcript of that particular experience:

“English is spoken many places. Sometimes it is not really understood… in either direction. Base definitions of certain words don’t necessarily follow through in interpretation. Dog is dog, 50 is 50, water is water, however… Same-Same does not always mean The Same, Hotel does not always mean a tall building with rooms and services, Taxi means any method of transport that gets paid, and Bus most definitely does not always mean large multi passenger transport device. We had booked what we understood to be an air-conditioned bus to travel the 3 hours overland back to Patong. In our minds this meant the plush double-stacked tour buses with the reclining seats and a bathroom on board. (We’d seen many other tourists happily driving past us in this lap of luxury.) What we ended up in was twelve-passenger van with twelve passengers, each, like ourselves, carrying all their worldly possessions on their backs. It was, in a word, cozy. This van looked like a characture of the Beverly Hillbillies truck: Top heavy with rope and twine holding about a 1,000 pounds of bags on a roof rack rated for 500, and no room for “personal space” on the inside. (Ok for us; we lost all concept of personal space eons ago…) It was not what we had envisioned for a three-hour ride.”

That experience in mind, we were a bit leery of what type of “bus” we would end up on for the four-hour ride to Surat Thani. Imagine our joy at seeing a first-class bus when we finally wandered out to the loading area. Some guidebooks do warn of opportunists that ride with the luggage looking for easily resold items… If you live in fear, you will certainly attract the focus of it. Just like in the West: Go with the official brands (Big Names) and you minimize the risk. Can you see Greyhound dealing with the press from that kind of issue?

The official consort for the trip was a twenty-something Thai gentleman with a denim jacket and nice biker-dude wrap-around shades. Almost all transport methods have these consorts to check tickets, answer questions, and offer services at the end of the trip. Sometimes it is the best way to get cheaper lodging and services. They differ from touts by the fact they are employed by the transport company. He came along and replaced our vouchers yet again, with ferry-company issued tickets. JD, with his consummate NY cynicism, figured that denim-dude had figured an opportunity in reselling transport vouchers- for we discovered later that just walking up to the ferry is less than half the price of purchasing a ticket in advance. Even if he was looking to improve his own lot in life, he was still service oriented. He checked with all the passengers to confirm lodging, and ferry-to-lodging transfer. He had a detailed map of Samui to help you visualize the ferry docks relationship to the rest of the island.

OK, another quick note- there will be a few of these to try and provide insight to the machinations of the Thai mindset and economy: Service industry people, especially those in transport, are a gregarious lot. Sure they are looking to make a Baht, however at the same time they know happy tourists = even more tourists. Culturally they are already naturally curious, small talk is consummate politeness. “Where do you come from?” Which is asking where you were earlier, not necessarily your country of origin, and “Where are you going (today)?”, are two primary questions you can hear almost anywhere. On a bus or boat when they inquire, “You have booking already?” they do have a few lodgings at your destination that they are authorized to negotiate for, and if they ask “you have transfer?” you can almost always be assured they will be cheaper than anything you could book in advance. Cheapest can always be found with work, however the risk/reward of hauling your belongings to a distant access road to possibly save a buck is not worth it in our humble opinion.

Koh Samui:

Koh Samui is located in the southern portion of the Gulf of Thailand. It is the third largest island in Thailand, the largest being Phuket. Ancient merchant mariners from China’s Hainan Dao Island where the first recorded settlers on Koh Samui, potentially as far back as 1500-2000 years ago. The Hainanese used the island as a re-watering/ stretch the legs stop off, as well as an “I’m done being on the boat, this place is pretty, I’ll stop here Thank You very much” destination. Reportedly Aristotle has the island indicated, namelessly, on one of his world maps from ancient Greece. It is also the ferry launch point for the infamous Full Moon Party on Koh Phan Nga [kaw pahn-nyah]. The islands primary economic base is coconut. Coconut milk, coconut oils, coconut meats, coconut husk, just about everything and anything coconut. The close second is tourism. The island has a variety of natural and man-made features, aside from the beaches, including three different waterfalls and the Big Buddha.

The ferry to Samui is very modern. Lounge seats, cushioned bench seats, a small café, and lots of space. We arranged for transport with our consort, who was right there when we disembarked to point us to the correct van. Na Thon [nah tawn] is the mainland ferry dock and largest “city” on the island. Koh Samui is about ten years behind the Phuket as far as commercial tourist development goes. There is a good infrastructure, sealed roads, power, water, phone and internet. The northern and eastern beaches have the best quality sand and are the focus of most development. Lamai Beach, the smaller of the two main beach resort towns, is where we are heading.

Green Villa “resort” is were we found our first US$8.50 lodging (300 Baht). That kind of money will get you a small dingy hovel with a 2-inch thick old foam pad on a plywood platform, a squeaky fan, NASTY bathroom, cold-water shower, a single bare fluorescent bulb and sampler of assorted creepy-crawlies. After the first night we “upgraded” to the $11 pool view hut: Same type of sleeping platform, somewhat cleaner bathroom, and a large colony of small ants using the bed as a highway. Yes, it is the tropics, and there are far more ants than people in the world, however we draw the line at sleeping with them. JD has been carrying the borax-based Ant-Rid from Oz. A few large drops strategically placed along the ant run handles the issue. KK had the less than pleasant experience of washing assorted bug bits out of her hair. We are pretty sure they were from the hatch on Phi Phi.

Lamai proper is a few kilometers north. A solid walk on the beach, or a grueling walk along the road. We find quite a few nicer accommodations and have decided we do like a few creature comforts like actual mattresses and bathrooms you don’t feel the need to shower after you have showered in them. Air con and TV are just bonuses. We rented a scooter from the property to make the move… JD, very comfortable with left hand drive at this point, as well as the Thai attitude towards driving, felt it would be easier and cheaper to shuttle all of our stuff than to try and hire transport to go less than 4k. Marina Villa has nice spacious bungalows, daily room service, cheap internet, a great pool, decent restaurant, massage salal and fronts a nice section of beach: 1,000 Baht per night. We consider it a bargain. The grounds are well maintained, and the staff friendly. We are quite happy. We end up happy for 10 days! We just settled in and enjoyed chillin’.

Scooters are readily available for hire everywhere. Seattle has coffee stands- Samui has scooter rentals. Everyone has rental scooters: Hotels, guest houses, massage parlors, travel agents, scooter repair shops, restaurants, some of the girly bars, and even book stores. 200 Baht for an automatic, 150 Baht manual shift, 24 hours rental period. Samui does have the highest motor vehicle incident rate, due primarily to all the farangs renting scooters. Most of these tourists have little or no riding experience at all. Picture a first time driver on any street in NYC during rush hour, and have almost all signs in a language he/she cannot read. Throw in stray dogs, over eager coconut truck drivers, and a certain local flexibility of traffic rules.

That being said, we love renting scooters. Once JD got KK to stop trying to steer by his nipples it has been a good time. JD is comfortable in a flexible rule environment, and is highly adaptable to local conditions. The two most important things to remember are: One: Be Ever Vigilant and Two: NO MATTER what you may believe, the bigger/faster vehicle has the right-of-way. Always. Period. These apply whether it is your lane, your green light, or your section of sidewalk. The kicker is the frequent road signs reminding drivers to stay left. Written only in big English letters. The locals consider left or right lane driving to be more a product of mood rather than any kind of traffic law. If the right side gets you there quicker, then you go up the right, though rule TWO is still in effect.

Our fat farang asses blew out the rear tire not once, but twice in a single 24 hour period… The first time we were in Chewang [shah-wing] (Wayne and Garth speak Thai!). A resort bellman patched it up for us. The next morning we were about 10 K south of town exploring the countryside. While JD nursed it back to trade it in, KK started walking. JD did go back and pick her up eventually… It turns out this was the third flat in two days on this particular tire. It wasn’t our beefy selves; it was repetitive mechanical failure. Since we regularly see four Thai adults on scooters with no tire issues, we were happy to know we don’t weigh much more than your average Thai family…

We fall into a nice relaxing routine: KK is up early for a beach walk, comes back and lets JD know it is time to eat and hang by the pool/sea. During the hang time assorted yumminess vendors walk by with their wares. Our two favorites are the fruit/grilled corn guys and the Meat-on-a-Stick/Papaya salad ladies.

The fruit guys watch for any subtle signal, blink, nod, finger lift, ear wiggle, anything. They can spot your intentions 50 meters away easily. They will hold up a couple of fruits, you indicate which hand is holding what you want. Pineapple is our typical call. The vendor will take a whole unprepped pineapple and in minutes skin it, score it, vertically slice it, add skewers, then bring it, two bananas, a baggy of coconut meat to your chaise. 50 Baht. Mmmmmmm. Did I mention these guys carry all their stuff across their shoulders? All up and down the beach? In the heat of the tropical day? A long bamboo slat yoke carries a small charcoal grill and corn on one side, and a foam cooler (Esky for the Ozzies..LOL) with the produce on the other. Assorted knives hang from a pouch attached to the pole.

The Portable Kitchen Ladies have a similar set-up. A full basket of produce and supplies on one end, and a grill and assorted Meats-on-a-Stick on the opposite. It is pretty much your basic food stall in miniature. Similar rules apply. Certain ladies are busy the minute they walk by. Others take the overflow. Some never seem to have any customers. JD opts to use the one that the actual cook from our property restaurant buys lunch from… The procedure is very hands on. You squat by the grill end and can pick and choose amongst the skewers. Some have chicken (thigh meat), some have organ meats, and there are full wing segments and partial wing segments. All have been par or pre-cooked. Place your choices on a small section of grill and listen to the ladies all gossip in Thai. They all had a smile and giggle with JD working the grill. Men do cook in Thailand, however women are always the ones in charge of a kitchen. When it’s heated to your satisfaction, it is dished up. The green papaya salads are what occupy the proprietress’ time. She will custom mix each one in a wooden bowl to the diners specs. We order one for KK with just a bit of fish sauce (Nam Plaa- “fish water”) and the tiniest bit of fresh chili. KK is still developing her Thai taste buds, and these particular chilies are very Thai. She enjoys the salad even though it is too hot for her to finish.

Most days have the mid afternoon T-boomers that drive us inside for a few hours. Happy Hour and cards fill the time. Cartoons from our youth dubbed in Thai are part of the indoor entertainment. ALL of the old Hanna-Barbera and Merry Melody ‘toons are here: Quick Draw McGraw and Baba Louie, Snagglepuss, Hong Kong Fooey, unedited Bugs and company, Yogi Bear, Scooby, Josie, and pretty much any other politically incorrect, yet still very funny, cartoons of the 20th century. Many are dubbed in Thai, though some are still just in English. The Flintstones in Thai is truly an experience to be had, not described. There is also FOX news, BBC news, Bloomberg, the Australia channel, a German channel, French channel, and dozens of Thai channels.

A can of tonic a day keeps malaria away… as well as mozzie coils and for KK, DEET. JD has returned to his baseline “chomped occasionally” state, while KK is still delectably delicious to man and beast. The biting bug factor is nowhere near the level of the Far North QLD or SW New Zealand.

JD was on an evening walkabout and heard Elvis singing in a pub not 50 meters from our place. It sounded like a good Elvis, so it required investigation. Sure enough “Almost-Old-Elvis” (Not obese, but not 60’s movie either) complete with rhinestone-spangled jumpsuit was performing in the Sir Winston Churchill Bar. It turns out he is a German ex-pat. Samui is chock full of Ex-Pats. English, Ozzie, German, French, Italian, and others. Most of them marry Thai women and then open bars catering to their traveling countrymen. The Sir Winston Churchill Bar is owned by an Irish bloke… OK, hell hasn’t frozen over; it’s really a sixty-something bloke from Liverpool named Dave. He moved here 10 years ago, and took over this bar 5 years ago. He married a Thai woman and adopted her young son. Dave truly enjoys watching holidaymakers having a good time, and not just because they are having it in his bar. Tonight there was a twenty-something with dreadlocks up on stage with Elvis trying to figure out the leg-wobble. Good fun all around.

We decided to devote a day to exploration by scooter. We cruise up to the north coast, about 20 kilometers (13 miles-ish). As we pass the northern town of Bo Phut we are waved off the road into a vacant lot by a uniformed police officer. There are a number of vehicles in the lot. We assume it is a random drug/drinking inspection (Both issues are taken very seriously in Thailand). As the lot fills with no other police presence, we figure it is a piece of heavy construction equipment coming the other way. The officer directing things has no English, but scooters all jockey to position at the front of the lot to wait. After twenty minutes or so the officer waves and says something in Thai. Engines start up and scooters haul ass. We know a hint when we see one, though still surprised we hadn’t seen any reason for the stoppage. As we travel the next 6 kilometers there is a combination of police officers and military personnel stationed every fifty meters along the road… The Thai flag is displayed at least once every ten meters. That is a lot of flags and bodies. We find out later the Princess has arrived on the island for holiday. This was the route taken by her motorcade.

Touts come in many categories. Some are just casually letting you know about a product or service. Some even have a product or service you might be interested in. Both of these types politely accept a “no” or “No Thanks” and will leave you be. The top two types of touts for shear audacity, pestering ability and downright deceit are Indian tailoring shop owners, and Time-Share kidnappers. The advantage you have over the shop owner is the ability to keep walking. Like a funnel web spider, they can’t/won’t stray too far from their lair. DO NOT be sucked in with the promise of air-con “It’s cool inside, you just rest here…” Once inside the lair, these guys could sell Donald Trump a haircut…

The Time Share Kidnappers are much sneakier and harder to shake off. They come in many shapes: A fellow countrymen looking for help, The very friendly farang looking to help you, The guy with a deal too good to keep to himself, The free scratch card guys, and The Scooter Rider with A Deal are the most common forms of this particular vermin. They have an advantage of mobility and multiple languages (Many are fluent in at least three, sometimes five or more), along with absolutely no fear of rejection, or sense of personal space or propriety. They will pretend to need help, to offer help, and without guile use guilt, berating, and protest. They promise a fair exchange of reward (Meals, cash, lodging, etc) for your time and energy. They will swear on any convenient deity it won’t take more than ninety minutes. A free taxi will whisk you away to spend three or four hours saying “no”.

We are old hands at messing with the kidnappers. It becomes a bit like sport; leading them on, playing the bait, and then revealing, “we did it two weeks ago”. The longer we work them, the less opportunity they have to trap some poor innocent. On very rare occasions they do produce a property worth checking out. We did take some time to visit Samui Peninsula and enjoy a number of free iced coffees. We actually played it so well we made it to third tier management trying to make us an offer we continued to refuse…

It was time for a date night. We haven’t been spending enough time with each other. We tried for Elvis, who called in sick. The next option was the “Smooth Pub- Live Music Every Night” (Hey- it’s the full sign…). A three-piece Thai cover band playing everything from Willie Nelson to Top Forty. These guys work seven nights a week. KK came in with a large water bottle, and earned the moniker “Miss Water”. During a set the bass player (named Sawapiri) came over and chatted. After that we were “Mr. and Mrs. America”. He is the PR guy in the band with a remote transmitter that lets him walk out to the street and play. During his set he probably smokes a pack or two, allowing him a great Louie Armstrong rendition. We did get to Elvis the following week.

During our scooter explorations we found “The Mall”. Tesco Lotus grocery/dept store, Cineplex, local Home Depot, food court and shops. Of course the food court involved lots of curries, chilies, fish and coconuts, though there is a KFC, DQ, and Dunkin Donuts. We love to wander in foreign groceries. Tesco Lotus did not let us down. Unique local and regional foods, 140 different varieties of rice, and a snack food aisle that was entirely seafood based. JD had to try the dried spiced cuttlefish as well as the Fire Hot dried fish snacks. Neither was bad, in fact the dried fish snacks are pretty tasty. The cuttlefish has a mystery crunchy bit that is off-putting. JD is not sure if it is the eye or the beak… These yummies are also sold with popcorn at the movies…

We did take the time to see two movies while on Samui: The Shooter and Pirates 3. There is a three tier seating system- Regular 120 Baht (US$3.75), Honeymoon 140 Baht (US$4.28) and Opera 250 Baht per person. Honeymoon seats have a moveable armrest and partially recline. Opera seats have a small table and come with blankets. At the end of previews everyone respectfully stands for a short film with a moving soundtrack that follows the rule of His Royal Majesty the King. The sound system is top notch, and the volume has one setting- we managed to hang on to what fillings we have left.

KK found SPA Samui, a resort that specializes in cleansing fasts. She decided she needed a good cleaning out. JD is moral support. He doesn’t mind adjusting his diet; he just won’t adjust it to nothing… It is a ten-day program. They have a chiropractor on staff that supervises the fasts and cleanings. He is a retired Canadian, been here about five years. They have great food in the kitchen. The only two real negatives are the non-user friendly beach and the absolutely vile mattress.

Between fiber/clay drinks, supplements and colemas we find time to see the Namuang Waterfall 1, as well as the Big Buddha and Wat Plai Laem. Timing the day is critical, as KK is on a very procedurally oriented program. At the end she is ready for food that can be chewed…

The last few days on the island are in Bo Phut, the little ex-fishing village up north. We had found a great organic juice and food place there, and thought the place looked cute. It is an ex-pat community. That means pretty much all the restaurants are western. The local price structure is the highest we have run into so far: Basic Thai meals are 120-180 Baht. That is almost triple the norm. We do manage to hunt down a few hidden Thai places. Much to our surprise there are no food stalls. Bummer that.

The next phase of the trip has been arranged: Two days in Bangkok, then on to Bali/Lombok, Indonesia for three and a half weeks. On the return to Thailand we have a four-day stopover in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.