The nicest weather yet greets us for our departure from Phi Phi. Doing our best pack beast imitations we trudge the ½ mile to the ferry doc. The original plan involved breakfast near the dock, however that was modified when the restaurant was not yet open. A pineapple and two rotis became the brekkie of champions.
Fresh pineapple is available all the time everywhere from fruit stalls and vendors. They cut it into strips; poke it with a skewer, and viola! Pineapple on a stick. Usually around 40 Baht for a whole pineapple. Rotis [row-tees] are another yummy- also called Thai Pancake, it’s a crepe-like delicacy filled with just about anything, topped with sweetened condensed milk (referred to simply as “milk”) and/or chocolate syrup. JD prefers banana topped with chocolate (surprised?) while KK will branch off and try other things- she has currently had mango, banana, and pineapple in assorted combinations. Neither of us has tried egg or nutella. We have learned to request “No Butter”. To give a nice brown crispness, the vendors plop a spoonful of deep yellow stuff onto the griddle after the roti has “set”. They call it butter. Anything that is still solid and showing no signs of separation in 103-degree heat is not from any mammal we are familiar with, so we opt out. If it’s solid on the outside, probably will be solid on the inside.
In true Thai Buddhist fashion, the time the ferry leaves is obviously the time it was supposed to leave, therefore the ferry has left on time. The secret to travel here is to not only accept that mindset, but to actually embrace it. So far, much easier for JD than KK…
We had been told, by three different sources, the Surat Thani bus leaves Krabi at 11:00. Surat Thani is the mainland ferry dock town. The Phi Phi ferry should arrive in Krabi by 10:30. When the travel vouchers are purchased they just have Boat-Bus-Boat written in English, everything thing else is in Thai, including times. Our little stickers are green this trip, with Koh Samui written on them. It really is the local version of “If found, make sure this poor farang is pointed in the correct direction”, and as such is very effective. In perfect lemming fashion, you keep an eye on the other green stickers to see who seems to know where to go.
The Krabi ferry dock is still an impressive modern structure, built before the wave, and none the worse for wear afterwards. The transport company has an office just inside the terminal. A large blow-up photo of our ticket stub is on the wall with an arrow pointing inside. Simple, yet effective. You turn in your onward vouchers, and receive two new vouchers. About a dozen of us, including a poor bloke with a busted ankle, scurry to the bus loading area, as we are all under the impression the bus is leaving really soon. JD had unceremoniously dragged KK out of the toilette to catch the phantom bus… When the other green stickers run, you run after, then ask questions…
It turns out the bus doesn’t leave until 12:30. “Time you eat” are buzz words of the ticket desk lady. The transport company has a reasonably priced and decent quality food stand, which we utilize to stop the long-morning-no-real-food bad attitude death spiral.
Thai busses: There are four distinct types of bus in Thailand. The basic diesel “school” bus: no a/c, bad seats, typically a municipal bus. The next level bus will have ok seats, and possibly a functioning a/c. Oftentimes the bargain fare bus for short runs between towns and districts. Then there is the first-class bus: a/c and video sound system, comfy, but not spacious seating. The be-all end-all of busses is the Executive Class: 24 seats, toilette, NBA player legroom, full surround Dolby 5.1 and plasma screens, quality curtains over the windows. We have only ever seen Japanese tourists getting on and off Executive Class busses.
This brings us to our Thai “bus” adventure during the last trip: Using a booking agent we set up a “bus” for the 3 hour overland trip from Ao Nang to Phuket. Having been aware of the different types of bus, we specifically asked (in English of course…) if it was first class or executive, and were assured it was indeed a first class bus. Here is the exact transcript of that particular experience:
“English is spoken many places. Sometimes it is not really understood… in either direction. Base definitions of certain words don’t necessarily follow through in interpretation. Dog is dog, 50 is 50, water is water, however… Same-Same does not always mean The Same, Hotel does not always mean a tall building with rooms and services, Taxi means any method of transport that gets paid, and Bus most definitely does not always mean large multi passenger transport device. We had booked what we understood to be an air-conditioned bus to travel the 3 hours overland back to Patong. In our minds this meant the plush double-stacked tour buses with the reclining seats and a bathroom on board. (We’d seen many other tourists happily driving past us in this lap of luxury.) What we ended up in was twelve-passenger van with twelve passengers, each, like ourselves, carrying all their worldly possessions on their backs. It was, in a word, cozy. This van looked like a characture of the Beverly Hillbillies truck: Top heavy with rope and twine holding about a 1,000 pounds of bags on a roof rack rated for 500, and no room for “personal space” on the inside. (Ok for us; we lost all concept of personal space eons ago…) It was not what we had envisioned for a three-hour ride.”
That experience in mind, we were a bit leery of what type of “bus” we would end up on for the four-hour ride to Surat Thani. Imagine our joy at seeing a first-class bus when we finally wandered out to the loading area. Some guidebooks do warn of opportunists that ride with the luggage looking for easily resold items… If you live in fear, you will certainly attract the focus of it. Just like in the West: Go with the official brands (Big Names) and you minimize the risk. Can you see Greyhound dealing with the press from that kind of issue?
The official consort for the trip was a twenty-something Thai gentleman with a denim jacket and nice biker-dude wrap-around shades. Almost all transport methods have these consorts to check tickets, answer questions, and offer services at the end of the trip. Sometimes it is the best way to get cheaper lodging and services. They differ from touts by the fact they are employed by the transport company. He came along and replaced our vouchers yet again, with ferry-company issued tickets. JD, with his consummate NY cynicism, figured that denim-dude had figured an opportunity in reselling transport vouchers- for we discovered later that just walking up to the ferry is less than half the price of purchasing a ticket in advance. Even if he was looking to improve his own lot in life, he was still service oriented. He checked with all the passengers to confirm lodging, and ferry-to-lodging transfer. He had a detailed map of Samui to help you visualize the ferry docks relationship to the rest of the island.
OK, another quick note- there will be a few of these to try and provide insight to the machinations of the Thai mindset and economy: Service industry people, especially those in transport, are a gregarious lot. Sure they are looking to make a Baht, however at the same time they know happy tourists = even more tourists. Culturally they are already naturally curious, small talk is consummate politeness. “Where do you come from?” Which is asking where you were earlier, not necessarily your country of origin, and “Where are you going (today)?”, are two primary questions you can hear almost anywhere. On a bus or boat when they inquire, “You have booking already?” they do have a few lodgings at your destination that they are authorized to negotiate for, and if they ask “you have transfer?” you can almost always be assured they will be cheaper than anything you could book in advance. Cheapest can always be found with work, however the risk/reward of hauling your belongings to a distant access road to possibly save a buck is not worth it in our humble opinion.
Koh Samui:
Koh Samui is located in the southern portion of the Gulf of Thailand. It is the third largest island in
Thailand, the largest being Phuket. Ancient merchant mariners from China’s Hainan Dao Island where the first recorded settlers on Koh Samui, potentially as far back as 1500-2000 years ago. The Hainanese used the island as a re-watering/ stretch the legs stop off, as well as an “I’m done being on the boat, this place is pretty, I’ll stop here Thank You very much” destination. Reportedly Aristotle has the island indicated, namelessly, on one of his world maps from ancient Greece. It is also the ferry launch point for the infamous Full Moon Party on Koh Phan Nga [kaw pahn-nyah]. The islands primary economic base is coconut. Coconut milk, coconut oils, coconut meats, coconut husk, just about everything and anything coconut. The close second is tourism. The island has a variety of natural and man-made features, aside from the beaches, including three different waterfalls and the Big Buddha.The ferry to Samui is very modern. Lounge seats, cushioned bench seats, a small café, and lots of space. We arranged for transport with our consort, who was right there when we disembarked to point us to the correct van. Na Thon [nah tawn] is the mainland ferry dock and largest “city” on the island. Koh Samui is about ten years behind the Phuket as far as commercial tourist development
goes. There is a good infrastructure, sealed roads, power, water, phone and internet. The northern and eastern beaches have the best quality sand and are the focus of most development. Lamai Beach, the smaller of the two main beach resort towns, is where we are heading.Green Villa “resort” is were we found our first US$8.50 lodging (300 Baht). That kind of money will get you a small dingy hovel with a 2-inch thick old foam pad on a plywood platform, a squeaky fan, NASTY bathroom, cold-water shower, a single bare fluorescent bulb and
sampler of assorted creepy-crawlies. After the first night we “upgraded” to the $11 pool view hut: Same type of sleeping platform, somewhat cleaner bathroom, and a large colony of small ants using the bed as a highway. Yes, it is the tropics, and there are far more ants than people in the world, however we draw the line at sleeping with them. JD has been carrying the borax-based Ant-Rid from Oz. A few large drops strategically placed along the ant run handles the issue. KK had the less than pleasant experience of washing assorted bug bits out of her hair. We are pretty sure they were from the hatch on Phi Phi.Lamai proper is a few kilometers north. A solid walk on the beach, or a grueling walk along the road. We find quite a few nicer accommodations and have decided we do like a few creature comforts like actual mattresses and bathrooms you don’t feel the need to shower after you have
showered in them. Air con and TV are just bonuses. We rented a scooter from the property to make the move… JD, very comfortable with left hand drive at this point, as well as the Thai attitude towards driving, felt it would be easier and cheaper to shuttle all of our stuff than to try and hire transport to go less than 4k. Marina Villa has nice spacious bungalows, daily room service, cheap internet, a great pool, decent restaurant, massage salal and fronts a nice section of beach: 1,000 Baht per night. We consider it a bargain. The grounds are well maintained, and the staff friendly. We are quite 
happy. We end up happy for 10 days! We just settled in and enjoyed chillin’.Scooters are readily available for hire everywhere. Seattle has coffee stands- Samui has scooter rentals. Everyone has rental scooters: Hotels, guest houses, massage parlors, travel agents, scooter repair shops, restaurants, some of the girly bars, and even book stores. 200 Baht for an automatic, 150 Baht manual shift, 24 hours rental period. Samui does have the highest motor vehicle incident rate, due primarily to all the farangs renting scooters. Most of these tourists have little or no riding experience at all. Picture a first time driver on any street in NYC during rush hour, and have almost all signs in a language he/she cannot read. Throw in stray dogs, over eager coconut truck drivers, and a certain local flexibility of traffic rules.
That being said, we love renting scooters. Once JD got KK to stop trying to steer by his nipples it has been a good time. JD is comfortable in a flexible rule environment, and is highly adaptable to local conditions. The two most important things to remember are: One: Be Ever Vigilant and Two: NO MATTER what you may believe, the bigger/faster vehicle has the right-of-way. Always. Period. These apply whether it is your lane, your green light, or your section of sidewalk. The kicker is the frequent road signs reminding drivers to stay left. Written only in big English letters. The locals consider left or right lane driving to be more a product of mood rather than any kind of traffic law. If the right side gets you there quicker, then you go up the right, though rule TWO is still in effect.
Our fat farang asses blew out the rear tire not once, but twice in a single 24 hour period… The first time we were in Chewang [shah-wing] (Wayne and Garth speak Thai!). A resort bellman patched it up for us. The next morning we were about 10 K south of town exploring the countryside. While JD nursed it back to trade it in, KK started walking. JD did go back and pick her up eventually… It turns out this was the third flat in two days on this particular tire. It wasn’t our beefy selves; it was repetitive mechanical failure. Since we regularly see four Thai adults on scooters with no tire issues, we were happy to know we don’t weigh much more than your average Thai family…
We fall into a nice relaxing routine: KK is up early for a beach walk, comes back and lets JD know it is time to eat and hang by the pool/sea. During the hang time assorted yumminess vendors walk by with their wares. Our two favorites are the fruit/grilled corn guys and the Meat-on-a-Stick/Papaya salad ladies.
The fruit guys watch for any subtle signal, blink, nod, finger lift, ear wiggle, anything. They can spot
your intentions 50 meters away easily. They will hold up a couple of fruits, you indicate which hand is holding what you want. Pineapple is our typical call. The vendor will take a whole unprepped pineapple and in minutes skin it, score it, vertically slice it, add skewers, then bring it, two bananas, a baggy of coconut meat to your chaise. 50 Baht. Mmmmmmm. Did I mention these guys carry all their stuff across their shoulders? All up and down the beach? In the heat of the tropical day? A long bamboo slat yoke carries a small charcoal grill and corn on one side, and a foam cooler (Esky 
for the Ozzies..LOL) with the produce on the other. Assorted knives hang from a pouch attached to the pole.The Portable Kitchen Ladies have a similar set-up. A full basket of produce and supplies on one end, and a grill and assorted Meats-on-a-Stick on the opposite. It is pretty much your basic food stall in miniature. Similar rules apply. Certain ladies are busy the minute they walk by. Others take the overflow. Some never seem to have any customers. JD opts to use the one that the actual cook from our property restaurant buys lunch from… The procedure is very hands on. You squat by the grill end and can pick and choose amongst the skewers. Some have chicken (thigh meat), some have organ meats, and there are full wing segments and partial wing segments. All have been par
or pre-cooked. Place your choices on a small section of grill and listen to the ladies
all gossip in Thai. They all had a smile and giggle with JD working the grill. Men do cook in Thailand, however women are always the ones in charge of a kitchen. When it’s heated to your satisfaction, it is dished up. The green papaya salads are what occupy the proprietress’ time. She will custom mix each one in a wooden bowl to the diners specs. We order one for KK with just a bit of fish sauce (Nam Plaa- “fish water”) and the tiniest bit of fresh chili. KK is still developing her Thai taste buds, and these particular chilies are very Thai. She enjoys the salad even though it is too hot for her to finish.Most days have the mid afternoon T-boomers that drive us inside for a few hours. Happy Hour and
cards fill the time. Cartoons from our youth dubbed in Thai are part of the indoor entertainment. ALL of the old Hanna-Barbera and Merry Melody ‘toons are here: Quick Draw McGraw and Baba Louie, Snagglepuss, Hong Kong Fooey, unedited Bugs and company, Yogi Bear, Scooby, Josie, and pretty much any other politically incorrect, yet still very funny, cartoons of the 20th century. Many are dubbed in Thai, though some are still just in English. The Flintstones in Thai is truly an experience to be had, not described. There is also FOX news, BBC news, Bloomberg, the Australia channel, a German channel, French channel, and dozens of Thai channels.A can of tonic a day keeps malaria away… as well as mozzie coils and for KK, DEET. JD has returned to his baseline “chomped occasionally” state, while KK is still delectably delicious to man and beast. The biting bug factor is nowhere near the level of the Far North QLD or SW New Zealand.
JD was on an evening walkabout and heard Elvis singing in a pub not 50 meters from our place. It sounded like a good Elvis, so it required investigation. Sure enough “Almost-Old-Elvis” (Not o
bese, but not 60’s movie either) complete with rhinestone-spangled jumpsuit was performing in the Sir Winston Churchill Bar. It turns out he is a German ex-pat. Samui is chock full of Ex-Pats. English, Ozzie, German, French, Italian, and others
. Most of them marry Thai women and then open bars catering to their traveling countrymen. The Sir Winston Churchill Bar is owned by an Irish bloke… OK, hell hasn’t frozen over; it’s really a sixty-something bloke from Liverpool named Dave. He moved here 10 years ago, and took over this bar 5 years ago. He married a Thai woman and adopted her young son. Dave truly enjoys watching holidaymakers having a good time, and not just because they are having it in his bar. Tonight there was a twenty-something with dreadlocks up on stage with Elvis trying to figure out the leg-wobble. Good fun all around.We decided to devote a day to exploration by scooter. We cruise up to the north coast, about 20 kilometers (13 miles-ish). As we pass the northern town of Bo Phut we are waved off the road into a vacant lot by a uniformed police officer. There are a number of vehicles in the lot. We assume it is a random drug/drinking inspection (Both issues are taken very seriously in Thailand). As the lot fills with no other police presence, we figure it is a piece of heavy construction equipment coming the other way. The officer directing things has no English, but scooters all jockey to position at the front of the lot to wait. After twenty minutes or so the officer waves and says something in Thai. Engines start up and scooters haul ass. We know a hint when we see one, though still surprised we hadn’t seen any reason for the stoppage. As we travel the next 6 kilometers there is a combination of police officers and military personnel stationed every fifty meters along the road… The Thai flag is displayed at least once every ten meters. That is a lot of flags and bodies. We find out later the Princess has arrived on the island for holiday. This was the route taken by her motorcade.
Touts come in many categories. Some are just casually letting you know about a product or service. Some even have a product or service you might be interested in. Both of these types politely accept a “no” or “No Thanks” and will leave you be. The top two types of touts for shear audacity, pestering ability and downright deceit are Indian tailoring shop owners, and Time-Share kidnappers. The advantage you have over the shop owner is the ability to keep walking. Like a funnel web spider, they can’t/won’t stray too far from their lair. DO NOT be sucked in with the promise of air-con “It’s cool inside, you just rest here…” Once inside the lair, these guys could sell Donald Trump a haircut…
The Time Share Kidnappers are much sneakier and harder to shake off. They come in many shapes: A fellow countrymen looking for help, The very friendly farang looking to help you, The guy with a deal too good to keep to himself, The free scratch card guys, and The Scooter Rider with A Deal are the most common forms of this particular vermin. They have an advantage of mobility and multiple languages (Many are fluent in at least three, sometimes five or more), along with absolutely no fear of rejection, or sense of personal space or propriety. They will pretend to need help, to offer help, and without guile use guilt, berating, and protest. They promise a fair exchange of reward (Meals, cash, lodging, etc) for your time and energy. They will swear on any convenient deity it won’t take more than ninety minutes. A free taxi will whisk you away to spend three or four hours saying “no”.
We are old hands at messing with the kidnappers. It becomes a bit like sport; leading them on, playing the bait, and then revealing, “we did it two weeks ago”. The longer we work them, the less opportunity they have to trap some poor innocent. On very rare occasions they do produce a property worth checking out. We did take some time to visit Samui Peninsula and enjoy a number of free iced coffees. We actually played it so well we made it to third tier management trying to make us an offer we continued to refuse…
It was time for a date night. We haven’t been spending enough time with each other. We tried for Elvis, who called in sick. The next option was the “Smooth Pub- Live Music Every Night” (Hey- it’s the full sign…). A three-piece Thai cover band playing everything from Willie Nelson to Top Forty
. These guys work seven nights a week. KK came in with a large water bottle, and earned the moniker “Miss Water”. During a set the bass player (named Sawapiri) came over and chatted. After that we were “Mr. and Mrs. America”. He is the PR guy in the band with a remote transmitter that lets him walk out to the street and play. During his set he probably smokes a pack or two, allowing him a great Louie Armstrong rendition. We did get to Elvis the following week.During our scooter explorations we found “The Mall”. Tesco Lotus grocery/dept store, Cineplex,
local Home Depot, food court and shops. Of course the food court involved lots of curries, chilies, fish and coconuts, though there is a KFC, DQ, and Dunkin Donuts. We love to wander in foreign 
groceries. Tesco Lotus did not let us down. Unique local and regional foods, 140 different varieties of rice, and a snack food aisle that was entirely seafood based. JD had to try the dried spiced cuttlefish as well as the Fire Hot dried fish snacks. Neither was bad, in fact the dried fish snacks are pretty tasty. The cuttlefish has a mystery crunchy bit that is off-putting. JD is not sure if it is the eye or the beak… These yummies are also sold with popcorn at the movies…We did take the time to see two movies while on Samui: The Shooter and Pirates 3. There is a
three tier seating system- Regular 120 Baht (US$3.75), Honeymoon 140 Baht (US$4.28) and Opera 250 Baht per person. Honeymoon seats have a moveable armrest and partially recline. Opera seats have a small table and come with blankets. At the end of previews everyone respectfully stands for a short film with a moving soundtrack that follows the rule of His Royal Majesty the King. The sound system is top notch, and the volume has one setting- we managed to hang on to what fillings we have left.K
K found SPA Samui, a resort that specializes in cleansing fasts. She decided she needed a good cleaning out. JD is moral support. He doesn’t mind adjusting his diet; he just won’t adjust it to nothing… It is a ten-day program. They have a chiropractor on staff that supervises the fasts and cleanings. He is a retired Canadian, been here about five years. They have great food in the kitchen. The only two real negatives are the non-user friendly beach and 
the absolutely vile mattress.
Between fiber/clay drinks, supplements and colemas we find time to see the Namuang Waterfall 1, as well as the Big Buddha and Wat Plai Laem. Timing the day is critical, as KK is on a very procedurally oriented program. At the end she is ready for food that can be chewed…
The last few days on the island are in Bo Phut, the little ex-fishing village up north. We had found a great organic juice and food place there, and thought the place looked cute. It is an ex-pat community. That means pretty much all the restaurants are western. The local price structure is the
highest we have run into so far: Basic Thai meals are 120-180 Baht. That is almost triple the norm. We do manage to hunt down a few hidden Thai places. Much to our surprise there are no food stalls. Bummer that.The next phase of the trip has been arranged: Two days in Bangkok, then on to Bali/Lombok, Indonesia for three and a half weeks. On the return to Thailand we have a four-day stopover in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
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